Please note that all size references and vocabulary here are UK based.
4. Squeezing into clothes that don't fit
Now let's be clear, I'm not talking about a size eight squeezing into a size six here (even though they shouldn't). I'm talking about full-on bulging, to the extent that it's not even possible for you to have missed it on the way out of the door. If you know that you're overweight, then you have two options: 1 - lose weight through a diet, exercise, or surgery, or 2 - put on some bigger clothes. Oh wait, I forgot option 3 - burn the retinas of everyone around you. If everyone is staring with a look of disgust, you've gone too far. Too far was about two dress sizes ago. Put on a poncho or something. Seriously. Please. It's enough to turn everyone anorexic. Look, if you're cutting off your own circulation, it's too tight. An easy rule of thumb to start off with. There's no advantage in wearing tight clothes to make yourself look thinner, if the bulge in between is larger than the rest of you combined.
3. The croc
The hideous variety of shoe known as the croc - yes, something so deadly to fashion they named it after sonething that could eat you for dinner - has already had its heyday, thank goodness. Which leaves hanging in the air the malodorous question: why are people still wearing them? Take a look around your local town centre and you're guaranteed to spot them, both on sale and on feet. This is an item of footwear that, let's not forget, comes with a huge variety of little buttons you can stick on them in order to amuse children. CHILDREN. They are FOR CHILDREN. Not even children look cool in them, mind you! I don't really care how good something claims to be for your feet, you could really just wear a pair of nice trainers or slippers or something. Let's face it, if you're wearing crocs right now you aren't a high powered executive who has to match his shoes to his suit, nor are you the kind of lady who clicks across the office floor in sharp heels. So if it doesn't matter for your job what you wear, there are better looking options that will be just as "good for you". And if you really insist on wearing them for your health, do it indoors, for goodness' sake.
2. Dressing children like adults
To be honest this would be a toss-up for number one, were it not that it is also possible and likely for fashion-challenged mothers to dress their children in the said number one item, thus making them sort of complimentary points. Which is a shame, since the fad is not complimentary at all. To anyone. Let me tell you about the kind of people that like to see little girls dressed as adult girls: PAEDOPHILES. Whether you're doing it for a beauty contest or a trip to the shops, it is totally and utterly wrong. Let's not even begin on the fact that forcing them to wear high heels is probably deforming their soft young bones - it looks weird, you guys! Particularly when very young girls are dressed in overly sexual ways. Here is a list of things you should not dress your child in: mini skirts; heels; representations of costumes worn by Madonna, Lady Gaga, Cher, or any of their ilk; make up; fake tan; hair extensions; anything else fake; "funny" t shirts; anything else that appears on this list; anything you see someone aged 16+ wearing. BE WARNED.
1. The black legging
Oh, ultimate horror of horrors! Ladies, let me spell his out to you: NO ONE LOOKS GOOD IN THOSE AWFUL BLACK LEGGINGS. Literally no one. If you're a size zero all of your bones are going to stick out like the anorexic and/or drug addict that you are. Any size above an 8 and you are going to look as bulgy as a sack of oranges, and no matter what size you are, everyone is going to be able to see your knickers. Everyone. No knickers, you say? See above for why that could be worse. Supermodels look bad in them. Jennifer Lopez looks cheap in them. You're supposed to wear them UNDER things, people, UNDER. They are not trousers! They are leggings! In fact, in the case of most of the cheap pairs I've seen, they're actually slightly thicker tights! Apart from anything else, the very fact that every single chavvy girl out there is wearing them should be enough to put you off for life. Oh, sorry, you thought they looked good in Vogue? Honey, you need to realise that real life doesn't have photoshop. Throw the leggings in the bin and find something decent to wear outside. But don't worry - if you choose to continue wearing them, all you need is a faded hoodie and some Ugg boots and you're ready to join the fashion-challenged legions.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL?! Does no one look in the mirror before they leave the house any more? Alright, my list is done and I'm going to go lay down in a dark room for a while. Just, please - cover up the leggings before I come out, will you?
If you want to know more about my fashion thoughts, follow my account at Fashiolista.
